The Dancing Bug

It has come to my attention that my advice yesterday about being friendly when you go out dancing may not be particularly helpful for some people.

As someone rightfully pointed out to me, if he knew how to do that he wouldn’t need the advice in the first place!

Many of us get started at dancing for the very reason that, in the course of our normal existence, we don’t get the chance to meet a lot of people. Writers and artists of all kinds, those of us who work from home or in a cubicle, students and other brainiacs who have to do a lot of reading every day – there are lots of occupations where you’re isolated most of the time. Engaged in our important or not-so-important work all day long, we may gradually lose the ability to connect with people. And if we started out shy or isolated as children, we may never have acquired that ability in the first place.

Basically, our culture tends to make everyone more and more socially awkward.

Going out dancing is a great idea for correcting this! There’s no better way to meet lots of nice people. But the problem is that if you don’t know how to meet people in the first place, then you may go home from dancing feeling more isolated than ever.

So if that’s your situation, never fear! I’m going to quickly run through some of my best advice for the ultra-shy.

• When you go out dancing, always try to get there in time for the drop-in. Even if you already know how to dance. Actually, I think the drop-in is a lousy place to learn to dance anyway. If you want to really learn to dance, take some privates or go to workshops. But always take the drop-in because it’s a great way to meet people. The main benefit of drop-ins is that they’re full of people who all feel super awkward. So if you feel awkward, you’re not alone – everyone else does, too.

(A side note: Instructors, please remember this. Don’t try to stop people from talking in the drop-in. You’re not going to teach them to be excellent dancers in an hour anyway. So leave them alone. And please remember to rotate a lot! Thank you.)

Say you weren’t able to get there in time for the drop-in. Or you’re in the drop-in, but the instructors are being all weird and not letting you talk. All is not lost! People expect to be asked to dance when they go out dancing, so just ask people to dance. There have been a lot of posts in this blog already about asking people to dance, and there will be many more, so I’m not going to go into it here. But the following advice works equally well whether it’s in the drop-in or during the normal part of the dance.

• Introduce yourself to everyone you dance with. Just say, “Hi, I’m Howard.” Or Dorothy, or Spike or whatever. Normally, the other person will then offer his or her name. Memorize it. This is important, because I want you to thank them by name when you’re done dancing with them. Come on, you’re a brainiac, memorizing things is what you do, right? You can do this! Try to learn at least a couple of names per night.

• After you’re consistently able to introduce yourself, start trying to follow up the exchange of names by saying just one other thing. That’s all I’m asking you to do, say one thing. If it leads to a conversation, great! If not, you’re off the hook; just smile and know that you did your part. Remember that while you don’t want to ask personal questions right away, it’s easier for the other person to think of something to say back if you leave a question mark at the end of whatever you say.

Here’s some topic ideas:

1. The crowdedness: “Boy, it’s crowded tonight, isn’t it?” or “Where is everyone tonight?”
2. The lighting: “I wish they’d turn the lights down a little, you know?” or “Does it seem kind of dark in here to you?”
3. The temperature: “Why is it so cold in here?” or “It’s like a sauna in here, isn’t it?”
4. The room: “Aren’t those some crazy light fixtures?” or “Isn’t this floor amazing?”
5. The building: “Isn’t this a cool old building?” or “Has this always been a dance place, do you think?”
6. The music: “Is this Louis Prima?” or “I just love Ella Fitzgerald, don’t you?”
7. The season: “How’s your summer going?” or “Are you all ready for the holidays?”
8. The band: “Have you heard this band before?” or “Isn’t this band awesome?”
9. The move: “Am I leading this right?” or “Have you done this move before?”
10. The instructors: “Those instructors are fun, aren’t they?” or “Did you notice that instructor’s crazy shoes?”

You can use the above steps even when you’re not dancing. If you find yourself standing next to someone in line, or you’re both sitting out the same song, try introducing yourself and saying one other thing. You can think of it as practice, if that helps.

When you’ve done the above, you really don’t need to do anything else. Don’t keep trying to force a conversation if it’s going nowhere. But what I do suggest is listening when the other person answers you. If they’re skilled, they’ll answer you back in such a way that it gives you the chance to say something else, and it can go back and forth. It’s like volleyball; you both keep hitting the ball back and forth until someone drops it.

And someone will drop it. You can’t keep talking forever. If the talking gets too much for you, you can always stop. The other person will just assume you’re listening to the music or thinking about something. Same goes for them if they stop talking. Don’t take it personally. Just smile.

And remember one of the beauties of dancing: at most, you’ve got three minutes of awkwardness with any one person.