The Dancing Bug

Archive for June 2012

Okay, what can you do to make people want to dance with you? I’ve been blathering on about this topic for days, and I swear this is the last piece of advice I’m going to give you (for now). But it’s a pretty good one:

If you want people to want to dance with you, forget about getting people to dance with you, and instead, focus on making friends. Because people always like to dance with their friends.

I need to confess something here. When I go out dancing, I honestly have the best intentions. I always mean to try and dance with as many new people as I can, and sometimes I do a fairly okay job of it. But what always gets in the way is my friends. See, I’ve been dancing in this scene for so long that most of the people who are out there, I’m friends with. And if I don’t squeeze in at least one dance with them, both of us are going to be disappointed. And sometimes that can take up my whole night. Seriously, I have to make deals with myself. Three dances with friends, then one with a new person. Or whatever. Ridiculous, right? I know!

What I’m saying is that if you have a lot of friends in the scene, you shouldn’t have any problem getting dances.

Now, I know you’re not one of these creepy types who is just there to pick up a date. But you can’t tell me that you go to all the expense and bother of getting dolled up and going out because you DON’T enjoy hanging out with people. And honestly, they’re out there for the same reason. We’re social beings, and we can always use more friends.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in our own little world of pain and self-consciousness that we start to think of those other dancers out there as just things. They’re things who yank our arms, things who look at us funny, things who never ask us to dance, things who make us feel bad about ourselves.

But every one of those people is someone with his own pain, or her own self-consciousness. Even those snobby dancers who won’t dance with newbies. Even the cool people who think they’re too awesome to dance with someone who’s awkward. And even those people who are too awkward to dance with. They’re all way more interesting, and in way more pain, than you’d ever guess by looking at them.

They’re not just there to make you feel good or lousy about yourself, or to provide you with some sort of dancing experience. They’re not just machines you can put a quarter in and a dance with you comes out. They have their own issues. You have no way of knowing what’s going on with them if you just sit there and make assumptions based on their appearance. You gotta reach out.

So how do you make friends? Well, how do you make friends in the real world? Dancing is no different. Obviously you’re not going to go barging up to folks and chat them up while they’re trying to dance. But people aren’t always dancing. If there’s someone sitting there who you’d like to talk to, I’d suggest waiting until the song is well underway, until it’s safe to assume they’re not planning on dancing in the near future. And then just do what you normally do. Be friendly. Reach out. Say something nice. Whatever. You know how to do this.

It’s also perfectly legal to chat with people while you’re dancing with them. And it’s a great idea if you feel at all weird about your dancing, or if you can sense that your partner feels awkward in some way. Making a little small talk can be a welcome distraction, and keeps that grim look off your face that you get when you start thinking too much about dancing.

Don’t expect magical results your first night in a new scene. But you should certainly be able to manage at least one or two new acquaintances. And if you keep going back week after week, it won’t be long before you have your own little crew. And you’ll wish the night was longer because you didn’t get to dance with all of them, even though you were dancing the whole time.

I don’t know. Does that help at all?

Okay, so if you are concerned that no one wants to dance with you when you go out, there are certain obvious things to check. Like, do you smell bad? Clearly, that could be a problem. Or are you too rough? Or do you have a constant frown on your face? Are you sitting there texting or reading a book? Are you inebriated?

These obvious factors are just a matter of having good manners. It’s kind of like when you call the repairman, and the first thing he asks you is if the thing is plugged in. Duh! But every once in a while, the thing isn’t. So you can always check the common-sense things first.

Some other basic items to check would include:

  • Being too sweaty.
  • Wearing too much perfume.
  • Wearing dangerous-looking stilletos.
  • Being dressed in an embarrassingly strange manner.
  • Having a tendency to throw girls up in the air or turn them upside down.

I’m sure we’re safe in assuming that your mother brought you up right, and you don’t do any of those things. Still, it never hurts to check.

Then there are the less-obvious factors that might be holding you back. These are less about etiquette, and more about psychology.

For example, if you’re a girl and you want to get asked to dance, you should probably try to avoid sitting or standing next to a lot of other girls who are also waiting around to be asked to dance. Reason being that it’s awkward for a guy to approach a whole pack of girls and pick out just one of them. So he ends up having to say something like, “Would any of you like to dance?” And that’s pretty weird. So he’s probably not going to bother.

Another way to not get asked is to engross yourself in deep conversations. Most people aren’t going to want to interrupt. Not saying that you shouldn’t converse with folks, just don’t expect to get asked to dance while you’re doing it.

If you’re sitting down, you probably look like you’re just watching. There’s lots of folks standing up, and they’re the ones who are going to get asked.

Just plain old avoiding eye contact will stop most people from asking you for a dance. Actually, I think this really could qualify as the universal signal of not wanting to dance. If someone is approaching you with that look in their eye, and you look away from them, they’ll probably change their mind and not ask you. Conversely, sometimes you can make someone ask you just by looking at them! Worth a try anyway.

If your issue is people turning you down when you ask them to dance, then as a follow I can tell you that leaders often err in two ways: either by being too formal, or being too informal.

Too informal means not asking at all. Guys will come up and just grab your hand, or give you a head nod. They might as well just do the Fonzie thing and snap their fingers. Pretty bad. Unless you’re really tight with someone, this can be a little insulting and more than a little pressure-y.

Too formal is things like saying, “May I have the honor of this dance, Milady?” and bowing. It’s a bit much.

Now, given the general shortage of guys, most girls probably won’t turn you down if you’re obnoxious like this, but they probably won’t be super happy about it either. And you might just earn yourself an awkward nickname, like the The Fonz or Sir Galahad. So don’t risk it. Just ask nicely.

For leads or follows, wearing weird shoes can sometimes make people think you’ll be uncomfortable to dance with. There was a period in my dancing history when I avoided dancing with people who wore black-and-white dance shoes; bad experiences had taught me that such folks were over-eager about their dancing, i.e. arm-yankers. I don’t do this anymore, but if people look grim when you ask them to dance, it may be your shoes that are terrifying them.

If the people in your scene are really into not dancing with certain people, newbies or people who don’t look like models or whatever, then following this kind of simplistic advice is probably not going to help much. But like I said, it never hurts to double-check.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten a million of them. Anyone wanna chime in here with their pet peeves?

So here’s one of the ways you can make people want to dance with you: Work on your solo dancing.

This has been mentioned a time or two before in this blog, and lots of the comments agree. Solo dancing is excellent in so many ways, and if you’re having a crisis about your personal magnetism in the dance scene, there are some very specific ways it can help.

One is that it just makes you a better dancer. You learn better control of your ownself, and that’s crucially important. When things go wrong in a dance we so often blame our partners: “He was yanking on my arm.” “She was too heavy.” If people seem to be avoiding you on the dance floor, it could very well be that you’re irritating to dance with. Sorry, and I only say this to you because I love you, but the problem may be you. Maybe you are a bit hard to move, or maybe you are too rough. If you learn to move yourself properly, then at least you can eliminate this one very practical reason why your dance card might not be as full as we’d like.

Solo dancing also gives you confidence. When you’ve done a lot of solo dancing, especially in front of a mirror, or recorded yourself on video, then you can at least feel good about how you look when you’re dancing. If you have no idea how you look, it’s easy to make yourself think people don’t want to dance with you because you look goofy. Practice your solo stuff and you’ll know that at least that isn’t the reason.

But it isn’t just the practice of solo dancing that I’m talking about. I mean that you should actually take your solo dancing out to the floor. I know this is more customary in some scenes than in others, but personal opinion? I think every healthy swing dancing community should be embracing solo jazz on the social floor.

For one thing, if there’s a lack of appropriate partners to dance with, then what are you going to do, just sit around and feel sorry for yourself? You could do that at home and save six bucks. When a song comes on that you love, if there’s no one around to dance with, there’s no reason at all you shouldn’t be able to enjoy yourself. You paid good money to go out and have a good time. So have one!

Besides, doing some solo Charleston off in the corner makes you look like one of the cool kids. You don’t even have to be very good at it. People will give you credit for being out there. You’re demonstrating to the world that you don’t give a crap, and that’s extremely attractive to folks.

It also proves that you’re not just there to pick up chicks (or guys), you’re actually there to dance and have fun. That can really go a long way toward eliminating any creepiness factor that might be lurking, because honestly? People are paranoid sometimes.

Busting out your solo stuff also shows folks a little something about how you dance. Now they have more information about you than just your physical beauty or lack thereof, and your taste in clothing. They have a chance to notice your dancing, and it’s a way of sort of advertising yourself to people who might not have noticed you before.

The funny thing is that nine times out of ten, if you start dancing solo when an awesome song comes on, you won’t be dancing solo very long. Someone is gonna come over and start solo dancing with you. Before you know it, you’ll be in a little Charleston jam. Not always, but pretty often. It’s like they all wanted to solo, but weren’t brave enough until you stepped up and started it. So they’ll be grateful, and again, they’ll start to think of you as one of the cool kids.

Solo dancing is one of my favorite ways, but not the only way, to get to the top of the swing dancing food chain. Tomorrow I’ll talk about another idea.

Okay, so what can you do?

You’ve been going out dancing for awhile, and you’re seriously bummed out because no one seems to want to dance with you. No one ever asks you to dance, and when you ask them, they take one look at your grotesque self and either dance with you but have a pained look on their face the whole time, or they come up with a lame excuse not to dance with you at all. Either that, or they run screaming for the door. What can you do about this?

There are many voices out there that say you shouldn’t have to do anything at all. It’s those peoples’ fault, not yours. They’re wrong and bad and shallow for not wanting to dance with you, just because you’re the wrong size, shape, color, age, sexual orientation or whatever to fit their ideal. There’s no reason you should have to change anything about yourself in order to get dances.

And there really is something to this. It is just a dance, after all, not a marriage proposal. If people go out dancing it really does seem quite stupid to go around not dancing with folks. Life is short; we all really ought to be dancing with as many people as we can while we have the time left. And the leaders of our dance communities should be modeling and teaching this concept. This is all very true.

But apparently in the real world it doesn’t always work that way. People don’t always dance with folks. There’s probably some of this happening in all dance scenes, and in some scenes it’s apparently quite a problem. So what can you do?

One thing you can do is quit dancing. I hear this one more often than I’d like to. Just  forget about dancing and try something else where people aren’t so mean and shallow. Although I don’t know what that would be. Anything that brings you into contact with other humans, you’re going to run the risk that those humans are going to be idiots. It isn’t just dancers.

Of course, we all know what the number-one, all-time best way of getting dances is. If you can possibly arrange to be born beautiful, that helps a lot. If you look like Liv Tyler or James Franco, most people are going to want to dance with you, no matter what. Even those jerks who won’t dance with anyone else will dance with you. Even if you dance like a wallaby with sciatica, people will be sniffing after you all night long.

Oh, so you tried that? Yeah, me too. Didn’t work so well. I tried so hard to be born with excellent genes. I especially tried to have long, slender legs, a flat stomach, long blonde hair and big boobs. But my parents had other plans, unfortunately, and didn’t cooperate. Dammit!

Okay, so another thing you can do is study for years and years and become a really excellent dancer. Lots of us are practically killing ourselves even now trying to pull this one off. If you’re a famous rock star, no one will particularly notice how funny-looking you are.

After all, think of all the rock stars you know. Funny-looking, right? Every single one of them. Come on, seriously? Has no one noticed this but me?

But getting to rock-star status could take awhile. And although practicing and working on your dancing is a very excellent thing to be doing with your time, you can’t just sit around not dancing with people until that glorious day when you’re famous on YouTube.

So what can you do?

Well, I’ve got some ideas, but this post is already long enough. So I’ll save it for the next couple of days. But in the meantime, it would be nice to hear from some folks. How can you make people want to dance with you? What works?

I got no controversy today. No blathering. But here’s the highlights video from All-Balboa Weekend 2012. And I wish I’d a gone. That’s all. See you tomorrow!

So these discussions keep popping up all over the lindy blogosphere: girls are complaining that guys won’t dance with them unless they look like models. What the hell?

I decided to do some field research. I tracked down one of the youngest, hippest, cutest, awesomest rock-star leads in our scene, who chose to remain nameless, and subjected him to a battery of questions.

“Okay,” I said. “If you have the choice between dancing with a cute girl and one who’s just ordinary, which one would you rather dance with?”

He took a long moment, trying to figure out a nice way to say it. But there was no way. “The cute one,” he said sadly. We looked at each other for awhile as the enormity of that statement sank in.

Then I thought of something. “Well,” I said, “Say the cute girl is a total beginner and the ordinary girl is a really good dancer? What then?”

And then he said something that blew me away. “Sometimes,” he said, “it’s more fun to dance with a beginner follow than a good one.”

Whoa. Hold the phone. What’s THAT all about?

He explained. According to my source, sometimes, for a lead, it’s fun to try and lead things in such a way that a girl who has no idea what she’s doing can follow them. It makes a nice challenge, and it’s fun to try and make her feel successful. But it can actually be boring to dance with someone who just perfectly, predictably, robotically follows everything he leads, perfectly perfectly.

“I don’t go dancing just so I can do my same old moves over and over and show off,” he says. “It’s nice to be surprised once in a while. But perfect follows just do the same thing all the time. They just follow.”

Okay, well that actually made sense to me. “So what if,” I said, “the girl doesn’t just follow, but screws around and throws in her own stuff? Is that okay?”

“That’s way better,” he said.

“All right,” I said, bracing myself to hear the wrong answer as I formulated my last question. “Given a choice between a gorgeous beginner follow who looks like a model, and a so-so-looking but experienced follow who plays around and throws in her own surprises, which one do you pick?”

This time, he didn’t hesitate. “”That one,” he said. “The second one. Definitely.”

There you have it, ladies. According to my expert witness, gorgeous leads with mad skills prefer to dance with accomplished follows, no matter what they look like, rather than cute beginners, but only as long as the accomplished follow is creative and surprising with her dancing.

Does that make you feel better? Or does it just create a new problem?

Through New Vintage Lady’s blog I was made aware of this awesome post on another of my favorite swing dancing blogs. It’s more than a year old, so I feel totally out of the loop, but she’s talking about the awesomeness of solo jazz dancing, and she says it better than I ever could, so just read her post and let me know what you think :)

We post-feminists and latter-day Jazz Babies owe a lot to the New Women of the 1920s. To that intrepid brand of vintage female we owe the right to cut our hair, to show some skin, to wear makeup, and to do anything we damn well please with whomever we like without fear of social ostracism. And most indispensably, the flappers taught us to Charleston.

They achieved momentous things for us, and we should be grateful.

But not every habit bequeathed to us from the Jazz Age generation was beneficial. For example, smoking. The flappers made folks accustomed to seeing women smoking cigarettes in public. Thank you, but no. They also had a disturbing tendency toward giving themselves alcohol poisoning.

Nearly as harmful was what the flapper did to our spines.

Here is what fashionable posture looked like a generation before the flappers:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here, in contrast, is fashionable flapper posture:

And here is what fashionable posture looks like today:

The visual record is clear. As dancers in a culture that places little value on the spine, we need to be flappers with our attitude, but Victorians with our posture.

Also, don’t smoke.

Here’s another way to think about footwork variations:

The basic lindy footwork (rock-step, triple step, step step, triple step) consists of eight beats divided into four sets of two beats.

On the first two beats, there is no axis change. What that means is that if you’re on your left foot when you do a rock step, you’ll still be on your left foot when you’re done. No axis change means you end up on the same foot you started with.

On the second two beats, there IS an axis change. If you’re on your left foot, after you do that triple you’ll end up on your right foot. Axis change means you change feet.

On the third two beats, no axis change. On the fourth, axis change.

So the whole lindy footwork pattern is two beats with no axis change, two beats with, then two more without and two more with. Got it?

Now what you can do is draw up a chart for yourself like this: Make two columns, and mark the first “no change” and the second “change.”

In the first column, list everything you can think of to do for two beats, and end up on the same foot. The first thing on the list should be, of course, rock step. What else? Try kick ball change, kick hold, double kick, hangman, swivel swivel, tap tap, leg sweep, and whatever else your brain comes up with once you get the idea.

In the second column, put triple step, and then anything else that takes two beats to get you onto the other foot. How about kick step, step hold, tap replace, sweep replace, kick ball change and, etc., etc.?

Then when you’ve got your chart finished, hang it up where you do your dance practice. Stick on your music, then without thinking about it too much, just pick one thing from column one and one thing from column two, and dance them together in a pattern. So your pattern might be kick hold, tap replace, kick hold, tap replace. Work it out, and when you’ve conquered it, pick another two and keep going.

If you really want to get crazy, use one set of moves for the first half of the pattern, and then pick another two moves for the second half. That might look something like kick hold, tap replace, rock step, step hold. Pretty awesome.

You don’t need to memorize these combinations. Just keep your chart where you can see it, and keep coming up with new combinations. Add more moves to the chart as you think of them. Once your body gets the idea, it will sort of take over, until you won’t have to think about combinations at all, you’ll just be able to screw around with steps and somehow end up on the right foot.

And guess what? That’s called improvisation!

Gotta crazy day today! Thank heavens this came across my desk – you all just watch this awesome clip, and I’ll be back tomorrow. See ya!


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